To whoever just started studying maths and feels like it's going wrong,

I came to maths through computer graphics. I'd been programming for years, and I wanted to finally understand the maths behind what I was making. I thought I was ready for it.

Then the first exams came back. Informatics went fine. The rest: a 0 here, a 50 there.

Around the same time I met the people who use maths like it's their natural language. Human calculators. I sat in class next to them, and it was hard not to compare. With ADHD, sitting in class is already a fight, and every time I couldn't focus, the comparison got louder. Somewhere in those weeks, I stopped feeling smart.

What's helping is small. One rule I finally understood. Then another. I started to see maths as a tower of legos: every piece you understand lets you reason a bit higher. It's not forgiving, and if a piece is missing everything above it wobbles, but once a piece is in, it's yours. Nobody is born with the tower. Even the human calculators built theirs one piece at a time.

That's slowly changing how I see it. It's not a talent you have or don't have. It's a craft, and a craft can be learned, by them, by me, and by you.

So, in some weird way, I'm happy I don't feel smart anymore. Feeling smart was never going to get me through this. Building is.

It's still hard. Some days anxiety wins and nothing gets done. But I'm learning more here than I ever did alone in my room, and I love it, even the parts that don't come naturally.

If your first grades were bad too: it's not the end of the story. Put one piece down. Then another.

Full disclosure: I haven't overcome any of this. If I sound all smug and wise here, it's mostly me trying to make it stick in my own head.

I'll tell you how it goes :)

Astrid

P.S. Future me, after the next exam: one piece. Then another. And maybe fewer cookies. I know, I know, they're the only way you can study.